Daughter plans to “strategically” abandon father in his old age after he destroyed her plants, which acted as the last straw

Author image for Etai Eshet
Etai Eshet • Editor
Feb 24, 2026 1:00 PM EST

Under normal circumstances, it is completely fair to say that cutting off a parent, especially an older one who will need help soon, is a brutal, last‑resort choice. Loyalty to family is not something to toss away lightly, and most people could reasonably argue that complicating care for an aging parent is the wrong call. But this is not a normal situation, and that is the whole point. Because this is not a story about plants. It is a story about what happens when someone finally stops confusing having a father with having a saint

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  • Close-up portrait of an older man with short gray hair and a trimmed beard wearing a dark sleeveless shirt, standing outdoors with greenery softly blurred in the background.
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    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • AITH For planning to strategically abandon my father in his elderly age because he destroyed my plants?

    My father has never been that. Just a surrogate dad. He was everything to me when I was younger and needed to feel loved from being bu ed at school.
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  • He was everything to me... Until I became an adult. I'm from an immigrant family and my mom paid for us to travel from Angola to South Africa after he physically destroyed her business a couple of times and mocked her for selling goods to support her kids.
    via Fabulous_Support_556
  • She managed to make enough to rent a place. He took her profit and travelled to S.A for whatever.
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  • She paid his rent because he didn't want to work and she had to feed her 2 sons.
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  • She came to South Africa later and found her children who were with their father in an appalling malnourished condition.
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  • This was after he beat her pregnant while carrying her daughter and left her outside to sleep undressed.
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  • Young woman with light brown hair sitting on a park bench, wearing a black dress and a loose red button-down shirt, looking thoughtfully into the distance with trees and greenery behind her.
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    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • He did the same with his sons. He taught us that it's gods will and that he is the owner of the family and his rule is absolute.
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  • Whatever. I can never ever ever ever ever until I pass overlook that but for the purpose of context.
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  • I'm painting the horrid picture which is the man I have to call my father. I've been trying to grow a garden for a month and a few days, nature is a major aspect of me and I look at those little greenies and feel love and the garden was a reminder of love and self love.
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  • I managed little shrubs and grass. It's all growing on barren land so l was so insanely proud of my babies for growing as much as they did.
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  • They were mainly shrubs. I tried growing them before but my mom cut them all down because she didn't like them.
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  • The man in this story is not a caregiver, he is a permanent tenant in other people’s lives. He drifts through chunks of his children’s childhood both present and absent at the same time, showing up just enough to hurt, disappear long enough to starve, and reappear just in time to treat the family like a service with a subscription he never pays. His wife pays for rent, for his travel, for his sons’ tuition, while he harvests profit, violence, and a sense of absolute rule. He beats his pregnant wife, leaves his family outside in the cold, and performs all of this cruelty like it is divine order instead of basic cruelty. By the time he comes around to cut down a grown‑up child’s garden because breakfast got delayed, he is not doing anything new, he is just swapping targets.  

  • Older man with gray hair and a short beard wearing a dark sleeveless shirt, standing outdoors in bright sunlight with a house and green trees in the background.
    via Rowen Smith

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • My dad cut them down because I didn't make him pancakes. He has never in the years I've known him do yard work.
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  • That's the woman's job along with paying for rent and cleaning his clothes and cooking for him and paying for half a million in tuition for his sons.
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  • The garden is the only interesting part of this story because it is the first thing in years that belongs entirely to the person sharing it. It is not a business to be stolen, it is not a child’s body to be hit, it is not a woman’s labor to be taken for granted. It is tiny, fragile, and grown on barren land, which makes it the perfect metaphor for what self‑love looks like after neglect. When the father cuts it down, he is not accidentally stepping on grass, he is trying to prove that he still owns the space around the family member he raised. 

  • The fact that he did this after not getting pancakes is the absolute nail in the coffin.
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  • He is 65 and will need surgery soon for his cataracts. He will need help to pay the rent he can't pay.
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  • The decision to abandon him in his old age is not some dramatic twist, it is the quiet fallout of a long process. The logical middle ground many people cling to usually does not account for someone who has spent decades weaponizing family loyalty while refusing to reciprocate it. The difference here is not that the person is unusually cruel, it is that the parent has spent a lifetime proving that the relationship is not a two‑way street. In that kind of context, DNA is not a moral obligation, it is just a reminder of damage that was never repaired.

  • He will need food and substance and I can't wait to abandon him in his time of need and I will wait patiently for that day.
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  • AITH?
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  • Plenty-Maybe-9817 NTA but it's not going to actually help you. You need to get away as soon as possible. You're being abused and it's normal to have revenge fantasies. The very best revenge is having your own life.
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  • Fabulous_Support_556 Original Poster's Reply I don't have any room for anger and revenge. I will never ever ever ever in my life have a normal childhood. And I didn't deserve that. No one ever does and he took that away from me. My plants were absolutely beautiful and perfect. I will love them again and again and again but he will never ever ever receive any kindness from me or a penny. We were a bunch of kids with a young mom living with a monster
    via Fabulous_Support_556
  • Important-Pain-1734 NTA but you need to move. If he knows where you live he is just going to come back and make himself a nuisance. Honestly your mom doesn't sound much better so why take care care of these people who have done more harm than good to you?
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  • Fabulous_Support_556 Original Poster's Reply I'd be in her shoes too if I grew up like she do. Motherless and alone without a present dad. I don't blame her for not knowing how to love. I don't forgive her either. They both just parents by bl d. Any obligation I feel towards the is out of pitty
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  • SallyHardesty Is your mother living? Sounds like you should cut ties with both parents. Edited: autocorrect had went rogue on the original comment
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  • Fabulous_Support_556 Original Poster's Reply She was a teenager and he was in his 30s. And she tried. She's aged so much faster than she should from working hard to pay all her kids tuition and feed them and provide for them and pay rent. She was not a great mother. But she tried and I'll give her grace for that.
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  • Opinionated6319 My heart feels your pain! ♥Some cultures still need a lot of change and yours is an example of deplorable behavior that continued to be enabled as acceptable in your culture...even as bad as it was. I suggest you find a therapist to help you heal and to understand the archaic, sadistic behavior of your father has nothing to do with who you are, he's just a sad, miserable person, and unfortunately he may be exhibiting the same behaviors he grew up with as examples! You are breakin
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  • Fabulous_Support_556 Original Poster's Reply I've been to therapy before and it changed my life. His actions don't reflect me. They reflect so many broken things but nothing of me is broken. Those plants. And I know it sounds petty but god I'd stare at them every chance I got. The land was barren as h I and we barely got rain. And there they were, tall, glistening against the sun with their radiant leaves. Against all odds they were there. I felt like I was looking into a mirror. And he k led. O
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  • ThisIsTheTimeToRem Go for it. NTA.
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  • Dog-Chick NTA. You are not obligated to care an abive for a parent, especially an ab one.
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  • dogswelcomenopeople NTA Move on with your life, but go NC, after moving out. Get a new address and phone number, but secretly, so this can't contract you. stain
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  • kevnmartin F him. He can be lord and master of his own bedpan. Plus, I've had cataract surgery. It's just not that big of a deal. He won't be bedridden or anything.
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  • davehal2001 Why wait? Abandon him now
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  • Teamtunafish NTA. Screw him, why would you even ask this question?
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